Birthday Cannibalism, Fetal Ninja, and Other Things Zygotic

So today is my birthday. I’m twenty-seven years old, which I’m told is a good age to be, and if the party is any indication, things should be fun. My friends, Mark and Adrienne, hold a weekly potluck, to which they always apply a theme. Since last night’s potluck fell so close to my birthday, the theme was “Foods Matt Would Make.” It was generally agreed that I would make just about anything (with the exception of any of these dishes), so there was quite a bit of food, from matzoh-ball soup to ultra-spicy chicken rolls to this delicious eggplant pasta dish that Bonnie made. Of them, I had two favorites. Jess made some pasties molded into the shape of breasts wearing pasties (they came in both A-cups and a pair of C-cups). But the cream of the crop was the birthday cake, which was made to look like an anatomically correct model of my head. A story:

Last year around my birthday, I was flipping through Neil Gaiman’s site and found this (created by possibly two of the coolest women in the world; seriously, if I ever meet them, I might have to propose…to both of them at the same time). My birthday just happened to fall on Easter last year, so instead of the usual birthday cake, I decided I would make a sacrificial lamb cake that bled raspberry sauce when I stabbed its neck. It was a great success, inasmuch as a cake that clears a room when cut can be considered a great success (but seriously…the photos of people’s faces make it all worthwhile), but it wasn’t quite enough. I needed more.

I conceived of a cake that would be an anatomically correct model of my head. There would be a skull made of dark chocolate, perched on a spinal column of the same. A layer of buttercream frosting would affix red velvet cake flesh to the skull, followed by a layer of modeling chocolate for skin or some other kind of smooth sculpting material. The eyes would be chocolate candies with white chocolate coating them. When I served it to my guests, I would break open the skull to reveal a pink raspberry mousse brain. I logged this plan under “Things I Won’t Likely Ever Do” and then moved on to other zany schemes.

One year later (give or take a few months) Mark and Adrienne agreed to hold my birthday potluck with the stipulation that Adrienne would get to make my birthday cake, which was no sacrifice on my part. When she asked me what kind of cake I’d like, I said, “I’m fond of Irish cream cheesecake. Oh…and I once thought of making a cake that was an anatomical model of my head.” And thus she became a woman obsessed. For several weeks, it was all Adrienne could talk about: how would she adhere the cake? How would she make the skull? The face, the eyes, the skin?

The end result was a little like me if I was transformed into a muppet—or if someone was going to eat me in effigy (which was really the point)—and the brains looked exactly like brains, wrinkles and all. The best part, outside of all the effort that Adrienne put into it was the fact that my former roommate, who when I first came up with the idea told me he thought it was gross and that he would never eat it, loved it so much that he even stuck a number two pencil in its eye. Yeah.

I’ll post pictures when they become available.

The zygote portion of the evening…

My friends, Sam and Terry got married a couple of years ago, and recently Sam sent me an e-mail to tell me that Terry is pregnant. To which I responded with a giant exclamation point. I was a little worried that Sam would suddenly go the dad route, turn all straight-laced and responsible, become suburban. A couple of weeks ago, I got this, followed by this, and all my worries went right away. My friends are weird, even with heavy responsibility on the horizon.

Which is good to know, because it gives me something to hope for, for my brother. As of today, I’m an uncle-to-be. My father spilled the beans yesterday that I would be an uncle sometime in December, which is, suffice to say, fan-spanking-tastic news. I can’t wait…Uncle Matt.

I was eating an apple on Saturday and a couple of the seeds that fell out of it had taken root and were getting ready to sprout. So I potted them and am trying to get them to grow. If they grow, I think I’ll give one of the trees to my brother, my sister-in-law, and to my nephew.

Next time: Slide...really...no, honestly this time...